Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Jocksters take Single Track World to the pub!

Few weeks ago, G published a "brewery ride" on STW. Naturally this got my attention and a plan was hatched. Similar in its cunning the last STW Rivi ride, where we did half of the ride, then spent the rest of the day in the pub. I punted it around the lads and Jase and Toss eagerly agreed to join me.

In a further display of pure cunning, I booked the following monday of so I could fully avail myself of the hospitality of a fine and yet hitherto unvisted pub... the Irwell Works Brewery.

We originally planned to ride over to the Brewery for the meeting time of 9.30, however on finding out that they were heading over to Turton I thought it best that we met them there, after all we would be cycling home after the pub which would push out the miles anyway. This also meant a lie in for me, Toss and Wors !!

We met at ours for 10.30 and headed off through the very muddy valley and up Shady lane. Jumbles was fucking rammed with indignant walkers which very nearly cost us all our beer money trying to get a fucking hello out of them.

The view we grabbed through the trees on Jumbles showed that there was a fair bit of snow on the tops.

We soon arrived at Turton Tower and I tried to call Mart and G to see how far away they were but got not answer, hardly surprising as they were probably riding. Toss flagrantly disregarded the rules of the Ancient Monument and rode all over the fucking grass, whilst I nearly got caught taking a piss in the bushes by a couple of Dog walkers. It was now getting pretty cold, so I suggested that we headed up WWW to the gate a Green arms at a gentle pace and they could catch us up there.

Half way up and I got a call from G, informing me that he had managed to convince some riders that Turton Tower was my personal residence!! Soon as we got the call we parked up and waited for them to catch us up.

Pretty soon the first set of lads came up and joined us and we said out hellos. Was great to see some old mates who I have not been able to ride with for what seems such a long time. I spotted Nick coming up the hill on a CX bike, so naturally he got a lambasting, but it turned out it was Seftons. He'd left the Turner at home. After a good old chin wag, we headed up to the Roller Coaster. Very wet and slippy but just as much fun as ever, with Nick flying past on the CX. The pull up after the stream always seems harder than it looks, Paul coming past me on his perverted single speed 29'er. Jase was a good way back, but at the top he fumbles about in his pack to get his SLR that he had finally brought out and got some good snaps of us all.
When we got on the road I was pretty surprised at how much snow and ice there was on the pavement, but as me and Toss span along it broke up pretty easy.

Took the right to the Duck and regrouped at the top of the little climb then Jase Toss and myself led them all down the plunge. Despite me being at the front, non of the twats saw fit to tell me that my mud guard was proper pissed so at the bottom of the gulley I felt the ominous cold damp between the cheeks of my arse and knew that I was in for a proper chaffing for the rest of the day. Toss and Wors found it fucking hilarious.

We managed to avoid the tractor beam eminating from the Duck and spun along to the Wayoh path. I wimped out on the steps but a lot got down them ok, with Paul making a comedy descent....
Fortunately, not too many walkers on the path which was surprising. We all stopped on the Dam for a quick bite to eat, before Tony took us Up the Wayoh steps. Everyone had a go but we all pretty much failed at the third step.

Now came the soul destroying climb up to Crowthorn. Sefton on the CX flew up and Paul made a brilliant fist of it on his pervert bike. The rest of us toiled up at a steady pace. At the top, I threw me leg over Tony's new sex toy. A Santa Cruz Carbon Nomad. Fucking lovely, flicked the pro pedal off and I have to say it was just like being on a flying fucking carpet, buttery smooth. After getting a semi I gave it him back and went to get my own, only to find that some cunt (Toss and Wors) had nicked it and thrown it over the fucking wall!! Bastards, never mind I would soon get my revenge of Wors.

I always enjoy this bit of trail... the horseshoe, especially going this way. The Swoop down to the stream is great fun and the steps were dispatched by all and we all seemed to nail the stream crossing too. At the next set of steps we all held back to have a go at them and we all failed on the 4th step, except Jules, who went back for another go and nailed it. It was here that Jase set off at 1mph and proceeded to go straight over the fucking bars!! Me and Toss were on the other side of the stream and took full advantage of the safe distance and proper laughed our fucking heads off at him! He was not amused and attempted to give us a twatting when he got over! Me and Toss showed his a fucking clean pair of heels leggin it up the hill from the big bastard.

At the Bombhole Tony tried in vain to persuade me to go through Redisher Woods but I was having non of it, so quick discussion between G, Mart and Tony and we headed up to Peel Tower. Twat of a climb this and I was blowing out of my arse if I was honest. If I was even more honest I was just really looking forward to getting in the pub now.

Down the red descent and we all managed it, then Tony took the fork to the mad steps. Toss, floating in a new found bubble of self confidence flew down them just behind Tony and G, G taking a bit of a tumble, much to our amusement. I failed on the steps.. the slippy mud giving me the wobbles, but at the bottom we all cheered as Jacqui rode them like a pro... attracting the comment that she had bigger balls than any of us!

Now Tony took us down a cracking little path, full of jumps and roots which ended in an insane slight of steps. I was just behind him and watched him sail down them with consumate skill. Non of the rest of us managed them. The next run was all on paving flags with sets of spanial height steps. I rolled the first couple and then jumped the rest... fookin brilliant.

FINALLY, the brewery. We forgot to pack a lock and had to wait outside for the 16stone fog horn to turn up. Thanksfully JD had a lock so we could get ourselves inside.

What a cracking little place this is. Tastefully decorated in an understated fashion and a bar bedecked with a rake of fine cask ales, brewed downstairs.

8 Pints later and having had a fine crack with old mates and new, we stumbles out for the long ride home. In truth I didnt feel too bad, but Wors and Toss were leathered. Still we made it to India Gate where we had a breather and Wors pushed Toss off the dwarf wall and into some thorn bushes. Good job he was pissed otherwise it would have proper hurt I reckon. Jumbles was hillarious pissed and rather than go through the valley I suggested that finest of post ale food, a Kebab. Parked up at Amigos and Toss didnt seem to understand anything I was telling him so I just ordered him the same as me. Jase, on asking how long we would be as he was not eating got the answer from me of "Well, I've ordered sheesh!!". This to me made perfect sense at the time and I think also to him as he promptly fucked off. Couldn't blame him either as he was in work the next day.

Collected out Kebabs, bunged them in the Camelback and after a ridiculous attempt at riding some steps into the valley me and Toss made it home safe and sound to round off what was a wonderful day in the saddle / pub.

Riders from STW were (apologies if I miss anyone):-

G, Mart and Tony who did a splendid job of guiding us.
Jane and Jules
Nick and Jacqui
Big n daft
Greame (superb after ride cakes and savories)
Keith (hp Sauce)
Neil ( Derek Starship)
Me Toss and Wors.

A good sized group and a cracking day out.


Jason said...

Cracking day out. And, twat face, I had not to do with hiding your bike. Cunt.

NBT said...

You missed out Dale (cannondale with a lefty)

toss said...

Your fookin STW "mates" ;-) Hid your bike you super-Bell-End!!!!
Great blog tho :-) Fookin Crackin Day

D0NK said...

"Tony's new sex toy. A Santa Cruz Carbon Nomad" Flash bastard! I thought he had decided carbon was too much £££s for not enough gain.

Still got issues about how no bugger invited me to this one!

lowey said...

"Still got issues about how no bugger invited me to this one! "

It was on the fookin forum for weeks!!! Do pay attention at the back.