"I brought the fucking tent, didnt I !!!"

As was said by myself in the face of mounting evidence about stuff I had neglected to bring on our long anticipated Camping trip.

Thursday dawned a bit cloudy however the forecast was set to pick up around dinner time. The recent weather had kind of put us on a downer for the weekend, however I was confident that it would pick up. Tosser finally admitted the night before what we all knew all along, that we could not fit all the kit, bikes and 4 people in his car so I was driving also.

Loaded up for about 1ish we set off up the M6. By the time we got to Coniston, the skies had cleared and the sun was beating down. Fucking brilliant. Tent pitched and gear all sorted in pretty sharp order, we tapped the barrel and had a couple of cheeky snifters before getting changed and heading out for the night.

Weester wanted to have a bit of a pub crawl, starting in Torver, however this meant that we wouldnt be eating till after at least 4 pints, whilst I was a bit apprehensive we all agreed. The gravel track over to Torver was joined and within about 20 yards Weester fell off. Right over the bars, too busy looking at the scenery. The bell end appeared to have bollocksed his side up, but he insisted we carried on. First pint was in the Sun in Torver, went down a treat and we headed over to the Wilson. Again, another nice local ale but the pricing set the style of the holiday... fucking £3.30 for a pint! Some bloke outside the Wilson got chatting to Chris (henceforth known as CW) about bikes and had a go on his and toss's bikes, obviously enjoying himself.

Feeling a bit light headed, we spun along the road to the Black Bull for a bite to each. Fish and chips were spot on, but were now nearly £11. After that we went over to the Crown and then the night becomes a bit of a blur to be honest. Vaguely remember riding home the long way past the Cleveland landing, but we were all properly arseholled. I think we had a few more beers back at camp before retiring for the evening.

I woke at about 7.30 to baking fucking heat. The sun had risen and was beating down on my section of the tent and it was unbearable. Worse than being in a sauna, so I got up. Everyone else was still out of it so I just got a drink of water and sat down admiring the view, when it came to me that I may have forgotten the plates and cutlery. Sure enough, after a bit of checking I confirmed it. The lads got up and duly insulted me. Fortunatly they all brought their own plates and forks. Me and Toss divvied up breakfast which I had to eat out of the fucking pan with a spoon.

Day was panning out to be a scorcher and we had arranged to meet Donk and Johnnie in Torver. Suncreamed up to fuck we headed over somewhat gingerly, CW in particular feeling a little jaded from the previous nights excesses. We met the lads just before Hummer Lane. Whilst they were kitting up I noticed a split in the sidewall of my rear tyre. Quick bodge with the gaffer tape and things were looking slightly less precarious.

Off we set up the fucking twat of a climb that is Hummer lane. Donk and Johnnie sailing up while us 4 struggled like fuck to keep our breakfasts down and the rake of ale from the previous night. Sun was beating down on us and at the top just before Broughton Forest we were all sweating cobs. Nearly binned it on the fire road of all places whilst not paying attention. The ST plunge was great fun as ever and I noticed a small lizard on the climb back up. Great fun on the ST descent to Stephenson Ground got us ready for the climb up to Long Mire. I stopped halfway up to bury my head in a stream as I was about to fucking melt and the lads caught up and CW spotted a Newt.

At the top I scooted down to get some pics of the lads starting the Down hill to Seathwaite. I love this track, rocky fast technical with bedrock drops and babies heads all the way down. After they all went past I dropped the saddle and went after them. Then fucking disaster, passed Toss and Weest and got my front wheel caught at the bottom of a drop between the bedrock and a large boulder. Over I went. I remember thinking that this was going to proper hurt and the landing was on rocks. I gave myself a couple of minutes laid in the same place to see if I was hurting anywhere real bad and miraculously I felt ok apart from some cuts to my hands. The back brake lever was fucked though. I was pretty shaken up to be honest, it was the biggest crash I've had for a long long time and really should have come off a lot worse (3 days later and the bruises have come out and I am pretty battered. Luckily my upper arm took most of the impact, 3 inches higher and it would have been the collar bone).

Got the bike and thought right, best ride this as fast as I can to get the demons out of my mind. The only problem is riding steep technical loose rock with just a front brake was pretty scarey, but I made it down to Seathwaite. Donk and Johnnie stopped for a puncture but otherwise no more incidents.

Pint of coke in the Newfield Arms was just the fucking ticket and we spun up the road for a group swim in Tarn Beck. This was fucking brilliant, talk about refreshing in the baking heat.

Next came the long road to ruin, or Walna Scar to its mates. Nearly an hour to get up. Most of us pushed to the quarries then Donk, Johnnie and me had a go. Donk stopped 20m short of the summit, Johnnie had a good go and I got about as far as I did last year before nearly expiring.

At the top, we all set off with saddles down and pretty soon I was at the back. Let me tell you, if you want to experience fear, try descending Walna Scar with just a front brake. Fuck me I shit it. Everyone else was having a whale of a time, Toss taking a little spill just before Cover Bridge. The lads stopped to check the jump out, but only CW had a go, very impressive but he tumbled off after a shitty landing. I didnt fancy the wet rocks of spoon hall with just a front, so I went down the road and met the lads back at the tent. Jase had just arrived and was already into his 8th pint. Donk kindly lent me his back brake and Johnnie his back tyre so at least I could carry on the holiday.

BBQ's fired up and we tucked into a festival of meat eating and ale drinking which ended about midnight ish with us all leathered.

Same problem in the morning with the sun on the tent. Me and Jase both up early doors and the heat was horrendous. Still an early rise allowed us to prep breakfast and steel ourselves for the big one around Grizedale. Off we set thorugh Coniston and up to Lawson Park. We took the singletrack through the woods to the fire road and we all made a pretty good stab at getting along it. The view from Parkamoor was stunning as ever and we were soon heading down to the Hippy commune. Here was the 1st time I had to grab my borrowed back brake and the combination of a massivly powerful brake and a rubbish tyre saw me fishtailing straight past Jase who was holding the gate open for me. Quick brutal climb up and we were heading to the delights of Moor Lane. We paused to look at a massive tree route system that had been exposed following a tree getting blown over and then we hurtled down the descent. Man I love this run, Grandad, Dad and Dentist. It claimed Toss's back tube near the end and then just as he changed that and we were getting ready for the off, Jase's was also flat.

Breasty Haw followed. Another sweaty and punishing climb but the run through the tree's more than made up for it. I was not really having a good time with the back of the bike fishtailing at the merest mention of braking, still it was much better than having no back brake. Over Devils Gallop had us all smiling.

The climb up the the fox was pretty hard. Jase managed it Dab free, a great effort while I made it with a single dab on the rocks half way up. The other lads took one look and decided to walk. Weester was getting pretty close to bonking so I gave him some of my jiz. The Fox was customarily beasted for the camera and we headed over to Moor Top to take the last descent of the NFT. Very fast and Flowing, I really do think this bit is very underrated. Jase, it turns out had a bit of an off and got a few scrapes for his trouble.

Arrived at the VC and I soon wish I hadnt bothered. What a fucking rip off. Nearly £5 for coffee and a slive of carrot cake. I hate the fact the the girls who ran the original cafe selling home cooked descent food were fucked off when the FC built the new centre and installed rip off merchants in thier place. The fucking cunts. Our ears were also assaulted here along with our wallets but a gaggle of laughing bitches sat right next to us. Man, the flamethrower was nearly out.

We climbed the NFT back to Mustard Hill, everyone feeling the pace now, Toss and Weester decided to take Lawson 2 and Me, Jase and CW took Lawson Park 1. What a great downhill. It had everything, fast open road, bedrock and steep track with babies heads on straight down to the road. We all arrived grinning manically at the decent. Into Coniston and we stopped at the Crown for a few sherberts. Toss was inspired here and went and enquired about food at the cafe opposite, she knocked up fish and chips for a £5. So that was £6 saved from the robbing cunts in the bull. Back to the tent for showers and get changed we headed back into Coniston for a rake of Ale. The beer in the Yewdale was not up to scratch so we swallowed out priced and spent all night in the Bull, getting pissed on some pretty tidy, if expensive ale.

The next day dawn much cooler and Toss announced that he was going home. That meant that just me and CW were up for riding, but there was no way I could have fitted me and CW and all the kit in the car the next day, so the lads all went home. I on the other hand headed over to Tilberthwaite at a very sedate pace. Lovely ride and I took a look into Cathederal Cavern.. very interesting. Hodge Close, High Oxenfell, Iron Keld and the High Close all passed me by at a slow but steady pace. Bakc over Parkamoor and down the rock fest of Nibthwaite... fucking brilliant, although I will admit to mincing down it on my own and feeling pretty tired. The day was nicely rounded off by cycling the full length of Coniston on the quite singletrack road.

Back to the tent, quickly knocked up tea, lit the fire and finished off the barrel. End of a wonderful 3 days riding. Shame it went so fast.